the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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