You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize