btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
