This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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