look no pants
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
