haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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