just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
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