Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
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