I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Randomize
