you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
They took my balls.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
