sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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