why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Randomize
