you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize
