Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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