also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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