I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
