Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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