My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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