i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
