I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
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