Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
