I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
Pants 0. Shit 1.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
Randomize
