My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
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