is your mom at the bar?
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
