I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
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