i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Randomize
