It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
