What did we do last night that was yellow?
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
