I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
