did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
Randomize
