i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
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