I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Randomize
