Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
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