You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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