I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Randomize
