I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
