i just wanna soil my oats bro
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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