There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
The feeling are messing with the penis
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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