You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
