I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
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