I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize