'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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