May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
You may now shotgun with the bride
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
After tacos, we're chasing women.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Randomize
