I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Randomize