just realized i've hooked up with 3/4 of the guys here COOL
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
