You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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