the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
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