if only i could text you this smell
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
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