Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
