I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
