Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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