bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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