Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Randomize
