cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
