Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
Randomize