Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
