I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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