my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
