Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
